Meh....

Pretty much sums up the last time I posted. Its been a roller coaster of a month. Ready for a break..from life.

School is fine. Just keep on, keepin on and Em would say. After this Wednesday, I think the semester will be pretty much over. Only 5 weeks left now so hooray for that.

Internship is fine. We have four clients now. They keep us on our toes. They have interesting lives and its hard to remember that they are teenagers with big problems. Its been a learning experience for sure. I have more to say, but no desire to write about it right now.

The CanadiEn is fantastic. He's the light in this darkness right now. He'll be coming to NoDak for Christmas this year and staying for 10 days. We are super excited

Went home in the middle of the month to see my grandfather. It was the hardest 5 days of my life. I went from thinking he was in the hospital, to seeing him in the nursing home, to visiting him in ICU, to a regular hospital room. He was moved back to the nursing home 3 days after I left. I know its probably the last time I'll see him alive. It was very hard accepting that before I left...still hard as I write this.

My dad has spent a total of 5 days in Fargo and the rest with my grandparents this last month helping them out and preparing for the inevitable. I talk to him and he's very tired. Its very stressful watching someone you love die. I still havent figured out if sudden death is better, as in the case of my uncle. Or being able to say goodbye but waiting for a phone call. I dont know. I really wish I was there, to be with my dad. But I know I cant. Maybe I could...but its better that I'm here.

Aside from the overwhelming sadness at the prospect of losing my grandfather, I have a lot of anger and resentment towards other family members as well. Once again, they prove that they are more self-centered and ridiculous than ever. My waste of space, fuckwit of an aunt is probably the worst. Because she actually lives in the same town as my grandparents. Does she do anything? Of course not...that would be unselfish and god forbid she think beyond herself.

Seeing him has changed my perspective on a lot of things, especially my own health. I've taken steps to better take care of myself. Working on that whole sleep thing...its been hard to sleep lately.

As a result, I've been extremely irritable and up and down all month. Another reason I havent updated this hog in awhile...just dont really care about much of anything. My studies have slackened and my motivation for this semester is pretty much gone. It has been a struggle to do basic things like an oral presentation. I am not an easy person to get along with these days and sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I've self-diagnosed myself with a mild depressive episode. I'm sure it will pass soon. When its all over...who knows. Fake it til you make it I suppose.

Only 20 weeks left of school...yay.

I feel very alone...