Train Friends.....

You can make a lot of "friends" on public....woo...I almost mispelled that world to the short and curlies....transpo

Anywho....

I was on the Amtrak train 6 times between October and December. Four of those trips were for most unpleasant trips and the other two were for the holiday.

My own unpleasantness on the 2nd trip home for my grandfather's funeral was exacerbated by the jackbags traveling to Portland. Please tell me what is wrong with the people on the West Coast? My god, my entire car was full of Portland travelers. Which means...I was stuck with them the entire 13 hours I was on the damn train....oh the humanity.

I really shouldnt bash West Coasters...my aunt and uncle live in Oregon themselves, but really, how bad is it when you are so drunk when you get on the train that you cant find your seat for the rest of the trip? Seriously, two drunk assholes got on in Chicago, had 2 cases of beer between them. One disappeared...never saw him for the rest of the 13 hours. You would think I would have spotted the dude somewhere..I mean honest to christ the train aint that big!! You only have 4 options to be...your seat, the lounge car, the dining car and the shithouse. I was at all 4 at some point, somewhere I should have saw the guy.

His friend on the other hand, I saw and heard and...wait for it...







Smelled...

Far far too much.

He was so drunk, he kept wandering between cars, bugging people, hitting on married women, falling on their chairs, tripping over himself.

Which if you dont know how to train surf, can be problematic. Dont make your troubles worse by drinking the county dry.

He was so drunk he couldnt speak coherently...and he tried speaking Spanish...badly...to the poor immigrant lady in front of us...god, that poor poor woman.

He was so drunk that as he gandered, tripped and fell around the aisle, he would let a few not so discreet ass solos along the way.

You know that noise your brother makes with his mouth to imitate long winded farts? Yep.

Also, when he did managed to find his seat and his beer, when he would bend over to pop another cold one, his ass would pop out another solo.

Even after he sat there staring into a drunk oblivion into the darkness of Wisconsin, he would direct the musical performance with no care in the world.

I'm glad his colon is working properly...honest to christ....

The other four thrills for that particular trip was this married couple and their two young children under the age of 5.

The children were fine. The infant cried occassionally, the young girl just sat there. Their parents were assholes to the finest degree.

They fought...yelled, cussed and called names...for 5 hours. From downtown Chicago until LaCrosse Wisconsin. Who has that much to fight about really? And the shit they were hurling at each other. No wonder the infant would fuss...he was reacting to his parents. If my husband ever tells me to shut up or fuck off or you're stupid bitch....ever...but especially in earshot of an entire train car of happy travelers....

Mr. Lawyer, we have a problem. I want my husbands assets...including his testicles.

Enough about that particular trip. The holiday trip was most joyous as well.

See the thing about the holidays is that the train is always full to the ceiling. Packed to the max and no chance of getting a seat to myself.

I did pretty well until the Cities. Then I was stuck with the woman that was riding behind me. Who informed a lot of people between Chicago and the Cities that she was a single mom, Ph.D I/O Psych student in Virginia, who lost 50 lbs in 2 months.

I HATE humble people....life is so boring with them around (insert sarcasm here).

And this only confirmed that I cant handle I/O psych people. You take the oily personality of a car salesman and the psychotic traits of a psych student....

Nuclear winter.

Oh and at 2:30 in the morning when I sleepily and not encouragingly looked over at her to see if she would move a bit to give me room (50 lbs lighter, you'd think she'd have more room there to share)....and she starts talking...AGAIN about her single mom, Ph.D badassness. Only she proceeded to get really narcissistic on my ass and said that she...she would be changing the, entire personality paradigm in I/O psychology, causing this massive shift in thinking about personality in the workplace and make millions and millions of dollars just with her dissertation and research.





Right.

And rainbows, clouds, and furry little kitties will come shooting out my ass...