Upside Down On The Big Dip Dipper

I'm pretty certain those are supposed to be dirty lyrics in the song Love Roller Coaster by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers...but I don't give a damn...the whole thing explains the last two weeks anyways (and no I'm not, at present time, getting any sex..perverts).

My moods have swung both sides of the pendulum these past two weeks and I attribute it to two, maybe three things.

One. Steroids are a bitch. They work wonders for inflammed knees but I really think they have fucked with my chemistry and have affected my moods. Normally I have short stints of crabbiness and no good days but for the most part have a relatively stable positive outlook. Not at all happening in recent days.

Two. Serious lack of sleep that I need to get a grip on or I am seriously going to fall apart from exhaustion. Lack of sleep also due to steroids but other issues as well. Also leading to overeating which is making me miserable as well.

Three. I feel like I have zero control over any decisions between now and August due to my internship search/interview/selection. I can't make plans to come home til I know about my interviews. I can't get a passport until I come home and renew/update my drivers license. I can't get a passport and therefore don't know if I'll have problems the next time I go to Canada. I don't know when I'll be able to go to Canada until I know my summer school schedule. I won't have my summer school schedule until April. April is a shitty month leading to May which is yet another shitty month leading into summer. I hope that Rumba's family can meet my family this summer but don't know how/when/if that will happen. At worst internships start in July which gives me zero time off this summer for a road trip with his family to meet my family. And there we are...start of fall 2006 and another school year. Sigh...
And so because of my mood swings, lack of sleep and stress over things I can not control, I'm on a bender. I can't stand school right now and I can't stand reading and working for it. I don't want to do anything but sit here and stare at nothing. And I don't even like doing that because even that gets boring and then I kick myself for not being more productive. So its one big vicious cycle of feeling sorry for myself, getting pissed off and repeat....

And did I mention how fucking lonely the city is right now? 9,000,000 people in the greater Chicago area and you would think I would have a consistent group of friends by now to talk to and do stuff. Its a 2nd year of lonliness for me because when I graduated college, my friends pretty much drifted away and we didn't do much or talk much in my last year in NoDak. I don't make friends easily at all and I never have. People that are friends with me now might find that hard to believe because of my outgoing and outward personality but the truth is, I am much more cynical about people and slow to warm up than is shown. But I've been burned a lot so I think its a useful defense mechanism at this point and ocassionally a personality flaw. Try as I might, I will probably always have that wall up around me. Only a few can crack it. My mother described it to me once because I wasn't entirely aware of it. She said you have this certain air about you that comes across aloof or unapproachable even though you don't mean for it to be that way. And yet when people can crack that core of you, they find the best part and a friend for life. Great...now that I'm aware it doesn't make it any easier.

I think I need to take an Adlerian approach to life though. He doesn't get nearly enough credit but he does make sense. It all comes back to the individual and their choices. Only their choices can promote change.

I just need to decide when I'm going to get off the pity party and back to normal again.