Things I've learned in Chicago

1) No matter how craptacular YOU think your cheap $100 ten year old Magna bike is, some crackwhore finds value in the fact that it is still mobile and can be sold for a snort and they don't give a damn about your inconvenience when you find it stolen and have to walk a mile in 10 minutes. For once in your life, follow the crowd and capitalize on that thought of "hmmm...them u-lock thingys look like a good investment."

2) Subways are scary. There is some underpaid, unchallenged, unknowing, bitter, overworked sadist in charge of your life for the 5-10 minutes you commute (maybe longer, god help you) and they get some sick thrill from speeding up to 70 miles mph about 1,000 feet from the platform and then slamming the brakes so you are surely to lurch into the poor bastard next to you (or on top of you, if traveling during rush hour).

3) Subways are scary, reason #2. What Chicagoans call the "Hobo Car." Its not a separate car on the train, but rather, a small half-partitioned set of seats that people drink, smoke crack, fight, deal drugs, ganbang, have noisy sex, talk to their voices, puke, piss, drop a dookie, and pass out (not necessarily in that order, but its likely to happen in the same time frame). Do NOT sit in the "Hobo Car."

4) I hate the Red Line. See #2 and #3 for reference.

5) The Loop is a bustling place that is amazing to experience. The business people, the rich people, the El roaring overhead. The massive buildings, the River and the fact that it brings to home I am in one of the greatest cities in the world. The Loop is definitely my favorite place to wander around during school breaks.

6) Some freakshows think its ok to beat off and tell you that you are the subject of such activities. Thanks, but no thanks pal. Keep your pecker zipped up and keep your eyes off me.

7) Everything is ridiculously high priced. Groceries and hygiene products are double, clothing is designer brands and VERY expensive. Oak Street is a great street, but I dare you to walk into any boutique wearing The Gap.

8) Rush hour is a fun time where we play the game, "Lets see how many people we can cram on the bus." Usually 75 people are riding the bus and you best know when you stop is or you don't have a chance in hell of getting off in time. Also, to the all important untouchable Georgio (Armani, to the "lay folk"): You're in the way and people are disembarking the bus...move your ass!!

9) Its a social norm to cross the street when you don't have the crosswalk but you can get a ticket for it because it holds up traffic. Best to do what your mama taught ya...look both ways and wait for the light, no matter how weird you look to the locals.

10) It could be the most random beautiful day when you turn the corner to get on the subway and a crazy homeless lady turns on you with a manic feral look in her eyes and hisses Bitch loud enough for the entire block to hear. Great start to a great day.

Tootles!