Shakira, Shakira....

I think she is just fabulous. The woman has a great set of pipes, her music and lyrics have substance, she's unique and she is the hottest sexiest woman I have ever laid eyes on. The way she dances, and moves those hips and the rest of her body....it is truly mesmerizing. I find her to be appealing in a realistic manner. She doesn't try to fit into the mold musically or physically like the rest of the pop stars today. I don't particularly care for her earlier music that hit the pop scene, like Objection Tango or Underneath Your Clothes because I think the radio just overplayed them all the time and it got old really fast. But last summer she came out with La Tortura video and it quietly made its impact on VH1 and MTV during the wee hours of the morning. Her and Alejandro Sanz did an amazing job. And crawling around a table or being drenched in black paint...thats hot. I can't speak a stitch of Spanish and cant understand a damn word she sings but I don't care. Now she has a new video out called Hips Don't Lie....whew...

If I had a thing for girls, I would do her. Totally.

Feels Like Home...

I think thats what Love is all about. It just feels like 'home', like they belong, like they have been there the whole time. So I felt the night I realized I loved Rumba...

After a weekend of getting to know each other in person, showing him around town, dancing up a storm at the Rock, sledding or "sliding" as he calls it, watching movies and talking til all hours of the night, the week started and I still had work obligations. Not many because I asked for several days off while he was there but I still had trainings for my juvie job so I had to make that drive out to Crookston and leave him alone in my apartment. Poor guy! I felt really bad leaving him there but he was fine. He entertained himself while I was gone and didn't complain at all.

had a lot to be excited about while he was there. Everything that our relationship was about online translated to real life. And the best part is that there was this incredible attraction and chemistry between us. I think thats a huge advantage for us because we got to know each other before the other stuff got in the way. I think it makes our chemistry, spark, attraction whatever you want to call it that much stronger as it does our love.

But as I unlocked my door and walked in I saw him sitting on my couch, watching tv and having a snack. And it was at that particular, completely ordinary moment that it hit me. He's home here. On my couch, watching my tv, eating my food and smiling at me as I walk in the door. He was right where he was supposed to be. I knew I loved him at that particular, completely ordinary moment.

The rest of the week was just a whirl including a dinner with my parents, a Sioux hockey game and other fun stuff. Our last night together was the hockey game and after we went to Optimist park for ice skating. We were the only ones out on the ice just skating under the dark, starry sky. It was a beautiful night and it was snowing just a bit. I am not very good on ice skates and he plays hockey so it was quite a funny site. He didn't let me fall, we raced a few times and he let me win.

Per our agreement, we didnt discuss anything in the future during our trip except that we revealed our love for each other the night before he left. We both feel that our love was there before we met. It just seemed that we were given this out of the blue chance to meet and this is what it came to.

The day he left was one of the hardest days of my life. The goodbye at the airport was really really hard and I cried the whole way home and for most of the day. After he got home, we talked about it and decided that the long distance was tolerable and that we would work everyday to being together.

And that's what we are working towards, looking for, seeing at the end and the beginning every single day...home.

This Note Has No Ending...

The Summer of 2004 I will simply state that I was an asshole from May until August. When you have a man break your heart, you do weird shit. Like drink heavily on your little brother's graduation (freakin grandma didn't want any wine and made me drink it all!), suck it up and fake happiness...ok so I didn't do that...well not very well anyway...be an asshole, drink some more, hit on people I shouldn't hit on and then finally cap it off with my own college graduation and crawling out from under the hangover. And throughout that awful summer, Rumba was there, miles away but there just the same. At this point, we were really close and talking every day, sometimes for hours. We would even fight. But we never signed off angry and always talked through disagreements or arguments.

By October 2005, Rumba and I were seriously considering meeting face to face, but we weren't entirely sure how to go about it. I was working full time and didnt have a snowballs chance in hell of getting away and he was a student with a spring break in February! Perfect! So then came the ultimate decision of our lives and we both just said....doooo it! So, he hemmed and hawed about telling his mom that he was going to meet a strange girl in NoDak while I pretty much avoided the topic with my own parents. I didn't figure they would take it too well when I told them a man was coming to stay with me for a week. When he finally told his mom, she was really super excited for him, helped him book his flights and was super supportive of his trip. They ALL wanted to know about me and why Rumba was traveling so far to meet a girl.

Meanwhile back in NoDak, I was trying to keep a level head about things and not get my hopes up or fall for a man I haven't met. And I was drinking again. I think I was having fun and at the same time I was teetering too. My friend Nelle and I were out partying every weekend with her husband's friends and they can get pretty crazy. She tried 6 ways from Sunday to set me up with her husband's brother and another friend in the crowd. Both were bad catches but I sure did play along and enjoy the fun. But I was drunk from November to January no doubt. I think it was a way for me to deal with the stress from work and lonliness. I had graduated and my friends weren't calling anymore. After her wedding, I stopped drinking and partying. Didn't have it in me anymore. Plus Rumba was concerned about my behavior, something we also argued over. But once again, we prevailed and he made me see the light. I figured I had it all in and it was time to get on with life. Plus...Rumba was coming!!

I can't tell you how excited and nervous and crazy we were in those last weeks leading up to our meeting. I had finally told my parents about him and that of course led to 100 questions leading up to his arrival. We were planning and talking and figuring out how it was all going to go. We were also anticipating what may or may not happen while he was there and how we would handle the consequences. We didn't know about a long distance relationship and how we could get through it together. So we just decided to play it cool, see what happens and not get too excited about anything while he was there. Basically to enjoy the moments and each other. But it was really hard to deny the strong feelings that we were both having for each other.

The day of his arrival he called me at 10am his time and was telling me he was burning a CD for me and that he was getting ready to leave soon. He said to look for a cute guy in a blue jacket carrying a red backpack. Of course we had been passing photos back and forth for some time so I knew who to look for. After we hung up, I rolled over excited about the cute guy in the blue jacket...and then fell asleep again. haha! After I got myself up and ready, I cleaned like a madwoman while my roomie laughed at me. She kept saying "he's going to say EH every few seconds and have this weird accent." Yeah maybe. Oh and I was chewing on my fingers something fierce. My already terrible nail biting habit escalated 10-fold that day. Plus I was being such a nerd and following his flights online. Everything was on time and I was just hoping that he didn't get lost between connections. He was taking 4 flights. From his hometown to Toronto, to Chicago, to Minneapolis to NoDak. He had a very long travel day from 1pm his time to 10pm my time.

Driving out to the airport was the longest drive of my life. It was dark, it seemed like people were taking FOREVER to drive and I kept seeing airplanes coming in to the airport (damn you avit people!) so I kept thinking I was late. Well I wasnt, and I arrived on time. I parked the car and walked into the terminal and paced. And paced. And paced. There were all these women standing around with their kids and they were watching me pace. I was staring out the windows willing the damn lights on the runway to start blinking. 9:50, 9:55, 10:00...lights on the runway light up.

I can hear his plane coming in and I'm starting to choke up. I can't believe he's going to be real in a few minutes. And then I see the plane land and a few tears fall as I smile with relief and anxiety and excitment. I wait patiently as a few people deplane and walk into the terminal. Most of them are GI's. Rumba is about the 6th person off the plane and I only see him after that. I don't remember any of the people at the airport. I can only watch him as he tries to find me with this big grin on his face. He finally sees me approaching him and he opens his arms to hug me. We hug for a long time and I say "I can't believe you're real." Both of our hearts are thumping through our chests and we got these ridiculously silly grins on our faces. He's shaking a little bit as we talk about his big day and continue to marvel at each other. We gather up his luggage and make our way to the car.

I forgot where I parked. Actually I'm pretty sure I never paid any attention at all as to where I put the Beast. Thank Christ the airport parking lot is like 20 spaces total so its not like we had to look very far. We were both so giddy and nervous we walked in circles for awhile til I found it. I just couldn't concentrate on anything at that point.

We stopped to pick up dinner at Subway (oh so romantic) and we went to his hotel room. He was staying there for the first 2 nights as a way to break the ice and such before he came to my place. We hung out in his hotel room and exchanged gifts that we bought. He brought me a Canada paperweight, a Dave Matthews poster, a beautiful print of two white tigers, a Wolves jersey and Sudbury Bear. I had a Sioux jersey for him, a Sioux hat, and two roses for him. We just sat there and stared at each other, trying to be sure it wasn't a dream. It all felt surreal to have that experience. The first night of our week was just a preview of our week ahead....

And On That Note....

I'm crying. Because I had a really great ending to a conversation with Rumba. And I'm not sure why his I love you tonight hit me as much as it did because it wasn't much different from his other ways of signing off, but it did and I felt it from 600 miles away.

The night is the hardest. I would like to just be able to turn out the lights, roll over, throw my leg over his hips, put my arm around him and find his fingers laced in mine. I never take this seemingly meaningless few seconds for granted when I do get the chance. Hopefully I'll get to see him soon. We're pushing for May at this point when I'm finished with classes. I would love to be up there for a week or longer. Since I don't think the next possibility for a visit will be until August.

We have an exciting and stressful year ahead of us. I'm one year away from a M.A. and we're hoping he will be employed full time this fall. Of course, the teaching world is never a gaurentee but he has had numerous interviews since February so every little chance he gets increases the odds. August is the tentative "meeting of the parents" which is exciting and stressing all wrapped up into a big ol road trip. I do hope it goes well which I'm sure it will and that everybody has fun with it. Immigration madness should be starting too which will be the pinnacle of the stress mountain. I only hope both of us are sane when its all said and done.

You probably wonder why I call him Rumba. Well for anonymity reasons mostly but also because its the name of this stuffed tiger I gave him the first time we met. I bought it the night before his flight home. Rumba has a "home" too in a REA hologram cup that he bought when we went to the hockey game. I don't call him Rumba in person though.

In conversation with others, I usually refer to him as "the CanadiEn" or "my CanadiEn." I'm not sure why, its just sort of habit at this point. Its a term of endearment I say. People get a kick out of it.

Why I spell Canadian, CanadiEn. Because long ago during our first year of talking online, he informed me that the E is more proper because its the French spelling. So to make a point and for emphasis I just started spelling it CanadiEn whenever we talked thereafter. I type and write CanadiEn so much that I don't even notice it and actually correct myself if I spell it with an 'a.'

Nobody knew about Rumba for a year and half except for Emily. She knew pretty much right away about him. Even my ex-boyfriend Andy never knew about him. No particular reason except that I didn't want to have to explain why I was talking to a man I had never met. We were strictly anonymous conversationalists and became friends over time as we revealed more and more about each other. Rumba knew about Andy and was there throughout the relationship and subsequent breakup. I didn't tell Andy because I didn't think he would "get it" and probably get pissed off for no real good reason. I never "cheated" (how can you cheat with a person you've never met?) though. I think I mostly didn't tell anyone because its still a bit of a taboo in NoDak to meet people online even though we met on a completely random messageboard that was totally unrelated to dating. I don't think Rumba ever told anyone about me until he wanted to book his flights to NoDak.

I'll write more about that later. Right now I want to relish in his I love you...and remember that he is always with me in spirit.

The Sioux Are Going To Milwaukee!!!

YEAH SIOUX SIOUX!!!!!!!!!

And I will be there too...either at the games or drunk in a bar watching the games. But either way, I'll be there.

Sioux Rule, Gophers...Well They Just Suck

SIOUX YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry but your Minnesota Golden Chokers can not be reached at this time. They are sitting at Blarney' pub drowning their season and their pathetic loss to an inferior team. If you are trying to reach Ryan Potulny or Danny Irmen so they can sign their NHL contracts, check back later; they still need a Ring. Your over-rated Phil Kessel will be having a press conference tomorrow to turn over his Rookie of the Year award to T.J. Oshie. If you can find Kellen Briggs' jock, that would be great; we'd like to burn it in ritual.

People Should...

Be happy for someone's achievements and dreams instead of being hostile and cynical and jealous...

That's all I have to say...

I Think Therefore...

Well I haven't had much happen and thus not much to write/update about lately either. Keeping busy with school and such but its nothing too stressful. Just taking one project at a time until its done.

I bought this fantastic cocktail dress on Friday. I have no idea when I'll wear it but it was too good of a deal to pass up. Biggest impulse buy EVER. I told Rumba we are so doing a fancy dress up night.

My neighbors have been very noisy lately. They're banging around or slamming doors or having parties into the night. Last Friday night/Saturday am around 4, this asshole was literally slamming his hand on my neighbors door trying to rouse her. Dude, you must have pissed her off or something so leave her alone and go home. Fat drunk and stupid is now way to go through life (yay Animal House!).

Oh, last Friday we went to the Hawks game and wandered around in the ghetto for an hour after the game trying to get a cab. Yeah, real smart folks. 3 single white females (one of whom was canned off her ass--not me) wandering around a questionable part of downtown Chicago. Worst part...5 groups of all men taking the cabs before us. Whatever happened to chivalry? Instead we had some random mentally ill homeless dude yelling at every single car "helping" us. Wowza...next time we ARE taking the bus as planned.

A couple days ago this crazy got on the bus and started yelling about some type of injustice. I don't know, I had my MP3 player cranked to Weezer. But its quite funny to watch...sad...but funny at the same time. Speaking of buses, the CTA bus workers might go on strike sometime in the near future. Faaantastic. Though I admit this isnt as bas as NYC striking. Its close but many people in Chicago have cars whereas dang near nobody in NYC has a vehicle. And the El would supposedly still be operating as the El train operators are not in the same union as the bus workers...hmm...little strange but whatever. So I might find my ass walking...which is fine but thank goodness winter is on the downward spiral.

My friend Emmy Lou got ripped off last week. Stupid Milwaukee indigents!! She's trying to help (unpaid help by the damn way) your sorry asses and thats how you repay her? By stealing her purse, the whole 7 dollars she had, her id and a few measly bus tickets. I hope you use that 7 bucks wisely and not for some snort. Stupid big city bitches. Bitches I say!

Dave (yes we ARE on a first name basis) is coming to Alpine Valley July 1st and 2nd. Not sure if we're going yet but I imagine we have to decide soon as tickets go on sale April 8th. A few friends from school and I might also go to Fall Out Boy in Milwaukee in April. Transportation pending. I also tried talking the CanadiEn into an Our Lady Peace concert in Kitchener on my birthday. He said its something to consider, I say lets do it! I've been wanting to surprise him for awhile with tickets to his favorite band but I want to be able to join him too. The only thing is I have to fly up there. I hate flying. I am a self-declared OCD when I fly. I will only fly when necessary (aka, when my destination is Rumba's arms) but I can't stand it and it is the most uncomfortable experience of my life. I have definitely figured out why I hate flying too. Its a control thing. I have zero control over my life for the 1-2 hours I am on the plane and am basically entrusting my life to a some sadist I can't see at all. Ok...they're not all sadists. I know a few good pilots, hell I once dated a pilot. But if bus riding has taught me anything, it is that public transport folks are sadists...and I don't imagine the trend stops with some pilots. Amtrak has a few sadists behind the engine too, but at least I'm on the ground. They just like to make people LATE all the damn time..Anyhow I digress...a lot...

Speaking of airplanes...one crashed in Branson yesterday. Again...why do people LOVE flying? You have to get up or leave really early for the airport, only to stand in line and wait and deal with a pissy barely English speaking attendant who will reseat you in the back of the damn plane for no good reason at all except that they must know about your phobia of the back of the plane. The security line. Where you have to disrobe down to your knickers, turn around 3 times, cough, have your underwear and sex toys rifled through by gloved hands and then get all your shit together in 3.5 seconds because the next guy is waiting to put his clothes back on too!!! And THEN, you get to sit in the window seat (another phobia that damn attendant knew about) next to a really large sweaty business man reading the Wall Street Journal (dude, do you ever get any sex?). At this point, you're buckled in so tight your fat could be pushed to your spine and you stare at the EXIT sign above the flight attendant who is now telling you how to strap on those oxygen thingys JUST IN CASE. Oh and in that oh so cheerful voice, she's also explaining how to strap your ass to the seat JUST IN CASE we happen to crash over a large body of water. But the seat is absolutely futile in the event of a mountain crash. Faaantastic. Then the suspense starts. You roll out onto the runway listening for any "weird shit" the plane might be making trying to discern if this aircraft really was inspected prior to takeoff (as if you could really identify what the "weird shit" really is anyways). Takeoff sucks and if your belly fat isnt squished into your spine by the seatbelt, the force of takeoff has taken care of it for you. Once you've reached 10,000 feet you get ready for the juice cart. Bitches don't serve food anymore so you're stuck with stale peanuts or non-peanut product if you're allergic to nuts. I pity the bastards that are allergic to nuts...they get the short end of the shit stick. Not that you eat or drink anything offered to you because that would break your concentration on staring at any point other than out the window. At this point, you have chafed away the skin on your watch arm because you've checked the time so much waiting for landing. Oh and the business guy is eyeing you out the corner of his eye, wondering if you're going to have a full grown panic attack on his Wall Street Journal. Now for the climax (not the good kind experienced in the throes of passion) we have turbulence. Faaaaaantastic. My enthusiasm just went up ten-fold. Now we get to bump and roll (again, not the kind experienced in the throes of passion). I didn't pay for this!! I didn't fork over 500 bucks too much for a rollercoaster ride (I hate rollercoasters too by the way). And now descent...the best part of the flight. Descent, landings and getting off the plane are the ONLY things enjoyable about the flight experience. It is also the only time I look out the window. I don't know why either. Sometimes descents can be rocky but I just tell myself we're coming out of the clouds. Or maybe its a bit windy or something. But it only means we're going to be on the ground soon and...whew, we're on the ground. I can start breathing normal and work on re-distributing my midsection fat.

Bitches lost my luggage....

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Hope you enjoy the holiday. I am part Irish so I'll be out celebrating tonight. They dyed the Chicago River last weekend so I missed that!! Bitches!!! But I'm going to see about watching the Sioux play today at Jakes and if not, well I guess I can handle a bit of bouncy ball...not. After which, me and two other gals from school are going to a Hawks game...they play the Ducks tonight. I'm excited because in case you didn't know, Brandon Bochenski has been traded from Ottawa to Chicago and he is already in the lineup!! Woot! It'll be fun to watch a Sioux play in Chicago now.

This week was fast and rather non-productive on my part. We all pretty much have this ok, bring on the summer thing, and we still have 6 weeks of the spring semester to fight through. Ya know, 6 weeks isn't that much either. Wow...

My family and I and Rumba have been discussing a road trip this August for Rumba's parents to meet my parents. Woo...eeek....sigh. Yes, it should be very fun and very stressful and very happy if it does happen to work out. The next time I go to Canada, his mom and I will work out the details and see if it will work out. I have a few ideas to make the trip a lot of fun and so that they can see parts of the States too.

I'm quite certain that I'll be getting that internship out in Woodstock. I went out there for a 2nd interview on Tuesday and I liked how the program works and how relaxed it is as well. I can't accept an offer for internship until March 27th but I don't think I have anything to worry about at this point. Great for me. It starts in September and goes until next March or April.

So thats about it. Nothing new here. Have a good Friday!!

Break From Reality...And Its Not So Subtle Return...

Spring break was last week and I took the long train ride home on Friday. It was nice getting home and seeing my family again. I spent some time with my mom, decorating her new house and shopping. I then went to Minot to pick up my grandparents. I got to see my aunts and uncles and cousins too. Little K. Hope is getting so big! And her brothers are just wild too. Lots of fun!

Drove my grandparents back to Fargo because my grandfather had an appointment at the VA hospital for his cancer medication. It was nice to see them too. I sat with them when he was talking to the doctor too. It was a very hard morning for me. It made me realize how much time has passed and how little time we may have left. He has a nasty disease and it can turn at any time. Then my grandfather was mentioning how they might be selling the farm. I just can't imagine not having the farm anymore. Some of my happiest and best memories are on the farm with them. Its just all around difficult.

I have an aunt that had a stroke recently too. And now my uncle just doesnt know what to do with himself. Its hard watching your family age. All apart of growing up I guess.

Went to two hockey games this weekend. That was really exciting. Glad I got to see the Sioux play this year. Now onto the Final Five. Oh and in a surprising twist, those no-good dirty bastard hacks from DU were eliminated by Duluth. Yay Duluth!

The train ride back to Chicago was ridiculous. The train was 5 hours late getting into Fargo in the first place. Apparently they had engine trouble in Montana. And THEN, a prostitute was in the sleeper car with a "customer" that was supposedly stealing her money. So they made a huge ruckus in Minot and that delayed the train another hour as they waited for the police. I was supposed to be in Chicago at 315pm...didnt get in until 1030pm. Aaack! But at least I got loads of Mental Health Law read while I was traveling. Ah Amtrak...how I love/hate you.

Back to school today. Didn't really miss anybody lemme tell ya. I have about 5 girls I can get along with on a regular basis. 80% of the rest can kiss my ass. The others...well they're ok. We aint close chums but they are at least tolerable. Some of my profs have been bugging me lately too. I'm just really really ready to be done. I'm ready to get out of the city and where Rumba is.

Where is you Emmy Lou?? Hope you're doing ok!

Well this post doesn't have much a point, more or less ramblings about nothing so I'll quit while I'm ahead. Hope ya'll are doing well.

Mush

I love you honey. Je t'aime beaucoup mon CanadiEn.....

And So It Is...

Hate midterms. Hate it, hate it. HATE it. Ok..I feel better.

Actually I complain a whole helluva lot less than my female counterparts. Its like one big sorority house with a few men thrown in as cabana boys. Honestly, I don't know how they do it. Complain I mean. Its just school people. You aren't even working full time with the real assholes yet. Come on, get some perspective.

At any rate, I need a break. From bitchy women. From this place. From my 500 square foot goddamn HOLE in the wall. I'm patiently awaiting 2pm Friday when I can board the Amtrak and settle in for my ride home. I still have a midterm, a presentation and a lecture to get through before then. Oh it wont be all fun and games. Have to bring some books along as well as my laptop so I can still get some work done. Fuck. Wish I was still an undergrad. You people have it so easy. No wait. I don't want to be in undergrad anymore. It was fun but I'm too old for that shit anymore.

Might also have a second opportunity for an interview at a different placement. I got a call today but it was VERY scratchy and hard to listen to so I'll have to call back in the ayem.

I need some inspiration. I feel very sludgly. Thats not a word but it is now damnit. Sludgly: to sit around and do nothing productive; feel sorry for self; to feel hopeless about retaining any semblance to old self. Ya know. I wish I just felt fucking normal instead of such a damn outcast in this big ass city. Rumba makes me feel normal. When he's here, I feel normal because he's just like me. Now that he's gone, I feel very very alone again.

I almost went to church on Sunday. Slept in instead. God I'm an ass. Another area I think would help me and yet, I think I'm afraid. Maybe I'm afraid its too late. Maybe I'm afraid of what He'll say or think. Maybe I'm afraid to find my old self. Maybe I don't know how to handle myself. Maybe I don't remember what its like so I'm just comfortable with how I am now. HAAA! Thats a lie. Comfort is the furthest thing from my mind right now. Its not comfortable to hate my closet and mirrors. Its not comfortable at all.

Sigh. I miss my CanadiEn. I miss my family. I miss my dog. I miss my friends. I miss myself.