And So It Is...

Hate midterms. Hate it, hate it. HATE it. Ok..I feel better.

Actually I complain a whole helluva lot less than my female counterparts. Its like one big sorority house with a few men thrown in as cabana boys. Honestly, I don't know how they do it. Complain I mean. Its just school people. You aren't even working full time with the real assholes yet. Come on, get some perspective.

At any rate, I need a break. From bitchy women. From this place. From my 500 square foot goddamn HOLE in the wall. I'm patiently awaiting 2pm Friday when I can board the Amtrak and settle in for my ride home. I still have a midterm, a presentation and a lecture to get through before then. Oh it wont be all fun and games. Have to bring some books along as well as my laptop so I can still get some work done. Fuck. Wish I was still an undergrad. You people have it so easy. No wait. I don't want to be in undergrad anymore. It was fun but I'm too old for that shit anymore.

Might also have a second opportunity for an interview at a different placement. I got a call today but it was VERY scratchy and hard to listen to so I'll have to call back in the ayem.

I need some inspiration. I feel very sludgly. Thats not a word but it is now damnit. Sludgly: to sit around and do nothing productive; feel sorry for self; to feel hopeless about retaining any semblance to old self. Ya know. I wish I just felt fucking normal instead of such a damn outcast in this big ass city. Rumba makes me feel normal. When he's here, I feel normal because he's just like me. Now that he's gone, I feel very very alone again.

I almost went to church on Sunday. Slept in instead. God I'm an ass. Another area I think would help me and yet, I think I'm afraid. Maybe I'm afraid its too late. Maybe I'm afraid of what He'll say or think. Maybe I'm afraid to find my old self. Maybe I don't know how to handle myself. Maybe I don't remember what its like so I'm just comfortable with how I am now. HAAA! Thats a lie. Comfort is the furthest thing from my mind right now. Its not comfortable to hate my closet and mirrors. Its not comfortable at all.

Sigh. I miss my CanadiEn. I miss my family. I miss my dog. I miss my friends. I miss myself.