Narcissism

The Greek myth about the man named Narcissus who rejected Echo and then fell in love with his own reflection. Because he couldn't consumate with his reflection, he withered away and turned into a flower...the narcissus.

Makes for a clever myth..

Story...

Tale...

Fable...

Lesson....

But it is the most painful thing to actually experience this from another person.

Especially if that person is a central figure in your life within your family.

Its really bad when you're sitting in your pathologies class and the light goes on...

THATS what she is eh??

Holy shit...

But having that sort of...epiphany if you will..isnt very comforting.

It doesnt change anything about that person, it doesnt change who they are.

Or how they make you feel.

Or the family feud that has resulted because of it.

4 years now. 4 years of feuding.

Its not the first feud either. The first one was back in 1995 and last for almost 2 years. That ended when a natural disaster temporarily brought everybody together. Amazing what a flood will do. It was bad...and good all at once.

That sort of thing teaches you life lessons. I was only a freshman in high school when my house was flooded and my life was uprooted for the summer. I didnt get to drive until the next year...which as a 15 year old was a freakin tragedy. I didnt get to have a fun summer...I was helping rebuild and living in a motor home in my front yard.

But it did change me..and for the better. Like that sort of thing is supposed to do.

And for a brief moment, the feud was over. Everybody was getting along.

And then he died. Suddenly and without warning. December 21, 1998.

Heart attack. His third. The one they said would kill him.

Christmas was hell.

The funeral was December 26th. Hell. No Joyeux Noel that year.

He's the one that ended the feud. Not with his death but with his heart.

He was the one that brought me 2 lbs of M & M's on my birthday every year, because they are my favorite. I think thats why I'll never give up eating M & M's...ever.

He was the one that took us in the slough with the 3-wheelers and told not to tell Grandma.

He was the one that made everybody laugh out loud. His own laugh was infectious.

He always had a story to tell.

He taught me how to make homemade sausage, play the Farming Game and shoot off bottle rockets on the Fourth of July.

And when the pigs got out, he was there to sit in the grass and laugh his ass off while the rest of us rode them back into the pen.

He was my favorite uncle. He was only 49 when he died.

Suddenly the feuds of the past didnt matter anymore. We came together again for my widowed aunt who was suddenly very lost in the world. And for a long time it seemed as though, they had finally realized what was important..and wouldnt feud anymore.

And then she started having problems.

He wasnt there to make sure she stayed "balanced."

And in one surgeons mistaken cut...her life changed forever.

So did ours.

At first it was just the cut...the injury...the hole in her shoulder and the inability to lift her arm that held her back.

Then she sued. And lost it all.

But she didnt stop. Pretty soon, her whole body was falling apart.

Or so she says. We really dont know. She's been "unbalanced" for a long time.

Then she started taking all her problems out on everybody else. Instead of listening to the support we were giving her...she was pushing away. And then calling us assholes because we let her be in her own misery.

Its all about the money. Its always been about money.

She can be/was a very good person with a big heart. One that would do anything for you.

But in the end, even that came with a price tag.

2002. One simple yet firm email from my mother.

The feud started all over again. Not by my mother...but by my aunts own reaction to that very simple, yet firm email.

And this time the Narcissist brought in everybody against her.

Extended family. Once neutrals and uninvolved...now people sucked in by the Narcissist.

And the hateful, spiteful emails. Full of lies and bullshit about my mother, my father, my grandparents and others. Pages and pages of lies and rambling and preaching.

It could fill a coffee table book.

Oh and she's going to die anyday now. Just so you know...she's been dying for 5 years now.

Her predictions of death have always been the same...December 21st.

So pity her and pity her some more. Listen to her tantrums and her lies.

4 years raging this feud. And it wont end. My mother wont budge and rightfully so.

The Narcissist has done herself in this time.

She'll die a lonely old woman.

Any good memories I have of her are totally gone now. She's ruined that for me too.

My mother has made small sacrifices in the name of my grandfather because of his cancer fight.

But she doesnt do it for the Narcissist or herself. Just him.

You'd think his fight would somehow fix the situation, much like the Flood did in the past.

But not this time. In fact it only fuels her more.

The others are coming around now. But not to my mother. They have the Narcissist figured out finally. They know her game. But its too late. The damage has been done.

Even though they know the game, they dont understand. They're still victims of it despite knowing her game.

She's going blind. Had "emergency surgery" to fix that. But can still send out pages of emails.

Now she cant hear.

Nothing worse than a Narcissistic Hypochondriac with Manic Tendencies.

And I think she's really losing her mind now. She's always been "unbalanced", but I think she's on a full psychotic break.

If you dont understand mental illness, it doesnt make you immune from its effects. Direct or indirect. Ignorance is not bliss in this case.

This type of mental illnesses she manifests are some of the most painful type to be on the receiving end. Its like you having a trait of loyalty, friendliness or intelligence. Its like you being hard-working, independent and strong. Now take those away and describe yourself as grandiose, self-loving and all-important. Describe yourself as money-hungry, self-centered, delusional and manic.

Thats what its like. Its ingrained in her. Its a personality trait with her. Its not a passing phase or a result of unresolved grief from her husband's sudden death. Its not anger at being permanently injured by a shitty doctor.

Some mental illnesses can be fixed or alleviated...through therapy, counseling or pills. Many people live "normal" lives with mental illness. Thats the mystery of the human mind.

She will never be fixed or alleviated. No amount of pills will fix her. No amount of therapy will change her. The mystery of her mind is unfathomable.

Knowing this doesnt help me. It only makes me aware.

It doesnt make me anything more than angry.

For what has happened and what she has done.

For what has been lost.

Maybe some day I'll come to terms with it.

Probably after her death...